Dating after separation soon

30 Apr

Youngsters who do not have the chance to exchange good-byes or to receive permission to move on sometimes are more likely to sustain additional damage to their basic sense of trust and security to their self esteem, and to their ability to initiate and sustain strong relationships.

This second phase of mourning has several components: yearning and pining; searching; dealing with sadness, anger, anxiety, guilt, and shame; experiencing disorganization and despair; and finally beginning the job of reorganization.

It would be better, however, for her to remember that she need not hide her own pain and strong reactions as long as she makes it clear that the children are not expected to solve her problems or make her feel better.

Her children will be most able to believe this if they know which adult friends and relatives will be helping her, since this is most likely to reassure them that their mother is in competent, caring, grown-up hands.

Helping Children Trust Themselves Because young children get their understanding of life primarily through their senses, tying news to a sensory or physical connection often helps them grasp it.

Such an approach can also reinforce their trust in their own powers of observation.

Remember: when a child suffers a loss, very little about what has happened is none of the child’s business.

Telling a child about an impending loss not only prevents the distress and anxiety that may build as the child increasingly wonders what is wrong but also allows the child to begin to prepare for what lies ahead rather than being caught off guard.

The child has a chance to start getting used to the idea, to raise questions and concerns, to participate in the adjustments parents are making, to play and replay the separation experience as a way of integrating the changes that will occur, to practice coping skills before they must be called into action, to begin to grieve.

So talk with children about what they might have seen or heard: “When you heard us fighting, you may have wondered what was happening and felt worried and scared.” “Today when Aunt Ruth came to get you at school, did you guess that something bad had happened?

” Beginning this way also encourages the child to think, “I am the sort of person who can figure out what is happening.” Corroborating what the child has noticed sends one more reassuring signal that the child is a thinking person, able to make sense of the world and therefore able to understand significant happenings.